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Nov. 18th, 2009


It wasn't just a story, was it?

////----ENTRY 34----////

I had a strange thing happen to me a moment ago. I had Blue Valentine on, had just gotten to Kentucy Avenue, and I'm checking the usual rounds of communication. Got a reply from some stuff I commented on DA, checked the gmail, still nothin' much to report. Then, I go to check the Facebook I set up.. and Johnathan Leity had requested me as friend. Freakin' Leity, a guy I used to be kind of mean to back at North, back when my wit had jagged edges that snagged the skin sometimes.. but I couldn't believe it, he'd friended me. I mean, we'd been kinda friends too,but I hadn't been very effacing or kind about it. plus he had a ton more friends than that.. and now some of them I remember too, and they look to be around the same spot as me. I was looking at all this, and suddenly I started crying. I mean, I felt like something in my head snapped loose and was spinning out of control, I couldn't stop, I might've been shaking. I don't know, I hadn't felt the beauty of life such as this in a long, long while. I find myself going on and on about the old days on here, but there's one point it's all proven to me.. I've been blessed to know this beautiful life around me and be barely into it! And thank goodness..
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Nov. 16th, 2009


Undead Resurrection

/////----ENTRY 33----/////
Man, been a while since I jotted down any thoughts here. Mostly, a lot of things have been lost in the slate-gray effervefence of the oncoming winter days.. the debts I've had are fixing to fizzle and die, the car I've somehow acquired is also falling apart on me, I've been pumping a fair amount of cash into the thing to keep it going.. I feel as though sometime, the unthinkable has happened, that I've actually come upon a lifestyle I can't anti-logisticize in my head, that there's pits I just can't surmount! I don't want to believe these impulses! I can find a new job in Denton, I can manage the working week while my roommate scrounges for their degree! I can make the easy life of my friends happen! Why can't I? Someone tell me!! What must I do to make my friends' life easier in lieu of my own! That was the sensation I recall with the most love from the Good Times in Mckinney.. with Katie and Chris and Ian and Patrick and Gobby and Kat and Miriah and all the teachers at North! And Ashley and Brit and Brett and that guy in the ice-cream truck and Bobby and Ross.. where did I lose track, eh? Where did that spark of inner fire wander off to after I set it down for a moment? *sighs* I don't know! .... I don't know. But I swear to me, TO ME, DAMMIT! I'm GOING TO RECOVER THESE MISSING DREAMZ AND MAKE MY SOUL WHOLE!! MUCH LOVE AND ADVENTURE TO YOU, INTERNET READERS!!

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Aug. 24th, 2009


Resurrection 1

////----ENTRY 32---////

Well, it seems like the plan this autumn might work out after all, depending on next week. Dad informed me this morning how he planned to, maybe, trade in his truck for a new car and share it with me. I'd start at the lowest level of trust, movin up from there. Now, while I'd have to ask and make sure of each move with the car with him, there's still the possibility of using it to work the ol chopsticks course. Its a lovely opportunity, if I can get it, and it will help the coming Spring plan. If I can get the the money to wipe out those remaining crap-debts, everything will fall into place. Still gotta hunt down a new job in Denton, but that'll be easy. Apart from all that, things have otherwise remained the same. Dad and me seem to be warming up much more and my workplace has settled comfortably into a rut of acceptance, despite that damn comment card that nearly killed me..   undercooked steak, my ass.

I have, however, taken a huge liking to Coraline, which I've appropriated a copy of recently. While I thought Burton was the main influence on Nightmare before Christmas, evidently this other guy did most of the work.. but whoever the director, I enjoyed what he's done on this movie. Its likable and entertaining, despite being set once again in the foggy, dreary lands of the ever-so-easily-defined-through-movies-these-days northwest coastal regions. Still, wish I had Wybie's evil welding mask thing when I was a littler kid. Could easily shocked my enemies into submission. Of course, the mounted air horn woulda helped too. My new friend Mirriam, a girl I met at work, has also introduced me to the pop songs of early 1930's Israel, and it's given me some killer tunes to hunt down. I'ma hit the sack now, but as follows with the recent climate change.. things are finally lookin' up!

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Aug. 13th, 2009


The Homing Beacon

////----ENTRY 31---////

There is a capacity within me to acertain an ideal towards the coming month, to plan out nearly every step forthcoming, to understand the behavior of my actions as and before they occurred. There was a time where contemplation and reflection came pre-built and ready to serve in every single action my meat undertook, but..

The world I occupy, not just the one everyone else does, it flits away and morphs through strange passages to elude me, to deny the answers as I stretch my very being to accept them. The reversal no longer comes in equal scale; my suffering and confusion is rampant and regardless. This condemnent to the wastelands of the soul, however, is no other beings fault but my own. Its not that I connected my needs and happiness to a job that I hated, the opposite is true. I treated my car poorly and it died. Now, the job I dream of every night is not in my design. What I need is a reprieve, a wish granted from on high, a procedure leading towards the eventual granting of a car to me. Were it a fine car with no trouble, that would be the last miracle needed, guaranteed. The Paradise is in Denton, with my best Friend. All that is left is for me to get it accomplished over Autumn

Wish me luck.

The dream-killer came back last night. He tried to fill my world with sand while Chris and I were waiting at a train stop. We were so lucky to have made it out of that car and into the train.. something far too strange is going on..
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Jul. 27th, 2009


Nap-killer (a dream)

////----ENTRY 30---////

I was working somewhere, keeping a number of specific artifacts, perhaps in a storehouse or building in the White City or perhaps the Good Places around it. These were mundane artifacts, like trashcan lids, tennis rackets, laundry hampers. There was a party going on for the employees, in a room somewhere like an Old room; posters, dark-colored carpet, computer shelf. Kat was there, I got into like a pro-wrestling match with her when she arrived. We then both adjoined to a large room, like an over-sized garage/kitchen with wood paneling and many people I didnt know, sitting on folding chairs. We were in the back, killing large roaches that were gathering in a basin of some kind. Naturally, I was madly afraid, but Kat seemed fine. I left soon after that.. I think thats where I picked up in the next paragraph

It was in the Long Neighborhood, when I was out that night to find someone, where I leaned against the fence of someone's house to check my mp3 player, even though I hadn't turned it on. The door opened up and out came an average-looking man, whom I greeted. He returned it, cheerily informing me he was sitting down to an evening of millions of pirated movies. I couldn't remember why or how, but I met his wife and daughter, a little girl who was very friendly. As I left, I found myself in the Neighborhood of Home, in particular the long stretch between Jordan and the Hill. I headed towards the latter, but as I made my way up, I noticed a camel, long-bodied and white, bearing a long banner between its two humps, bearing an unfamiliar symbol. It was the only thing for me to run to when wild dogs attacked down by DJ's old house. The camel laid into the wolves with all the Dynasty-Warrior'd fervor and graphic.

Two days pass..
I'm in a car, directing a man back through Long Neighborhood, seeking out the house of the average-looking man. We park in his front yard, which is a Big house, and is in the midst of some kind of party. My brother Sam is there, smoking one of my cigarettes and telling me to tell no one of what he's doing there. I find a Foster's Bitters being forced into my hand and a loud man up the yard challenging me to spot his cats, which are nearly perfectly blended into the surroundings. At one point, a number of strangers around my age headed in quickly, complaining about having to close up. I followed the average-man, who claimed he was working for a university. My brother, appearing at the back, asked if it was University of Portland. No one knew. I was looking for something to eat, coming to were the average man was headed; a large room like that in a modern community center or bowling alley, full of candy on shelves. I think it might've been a Grand Band Candy Storehouse. I heard the man and Sam leave behind me, the lock clicking. I yelled, " Fine, thats fine.. go ahead and lock me in here WITH ALL THIS FUCKING CAAAN-DYYYYY!!" They opened the door briefly, yanking me out before shutting it again. As we passed one of the windows, the world was suddenly cycling color. I spotted a gigantic object, like a top-hat split width-wise with the Cat-man's face inside, made of light. He was launching beams of light into parts of the Long Neighborhood, which we were almost 29 stories above now, giving us a cloud-strewn view of. He was destroying parts of it and I was really afraid. The lights in the House went to blacklight, I saw kids streaming out of everywhere, armed with what looked like even more militant Nerf guns then what we have today, all lit glowing by the blacklights.
Thats when I awoke.

Don't take naps between 6 and 9 in the evening, its not safe. Something was looking for me. I'll keep a sharp mind out tonite when I fall asleep again and see if anything's changed.  

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Jul. 22nd, 2009


Knightfall 2

////----ENTRY 29----////

Yes, 'tis out!! And 'tis fun! They added the same system from Megadevs last spinning puzzle game and made the game.. well, easier actually. I'm having a mountain of fun playing through it, thanks to the leveling up of both health and AP, I got a more aggressive style. Good times all around. Oh, took care of the fare evasion ticket today, gotta get 'em a hundred greenbacks in 30 days, then... do it one more time, then I'm done. Seems like things might, JUST MIGHT, be getting back to a likable area again. Hell, money permitting after Animefest (which is likely, gonna probably just get a few toys, DVDs, one or two 'food money' purchases for the poor folks in artist alley, and sustenance) I might just sign up for classes again in the fall.. gonna need somethin' to do while I save up for a motor to call my own again. Not much else to report on right now, but I was hopin' that squid thing at the west coast woulda gotten totally out of hand..

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Jul. 3rd, 2009


Typical woes

////----ENTRY 28---/////

I gotta say, these lifetime blues of mine are gettin' a little monotonous. Needs for money, transportation issues, troubles at work.. I must be stuck in some kinda awful rut! I hope its not Texas-based, if I have to leave the state, I want it to be for purely new reasons, not just to skip out on warrants and revenuers, like so many folk from 'round here. And I'm certainly not headed for Canada, like all those indie-rock-scene-hipster tools that wander about in irritating groups these days.. they can rot in their blogs for all the shits I could give..

The times are hard, thats for sure, but things are going okay for me. Sure, I'm starin' down the 5-score barrel of various debts and my future is as uncertain as a free-table reservation or a plumber's estimate.. but I got my health, improved somewhat over a solid month of biking and irregular eating. I could use a few less pizzas in the diet, but its apparently showing, according to some old friends. I guess the truest issue is money, as always. I shoulda flew into college right outta high school, but there's ways for everybody.. I'm an american after all, our chances are never spent. A good 3 years spent in college'll fix all that work trouble. Thing is, I have no idea what career I'm best suited at yet, that advisor was so vague when I went last semester, " You might do well in a liberally artistic capacity.." what kinda fortune-teller crap is that, ya friggin coatimundi!? Those guidance counsellors are a messed-up bunch, they could use a counsellor. Anyways, other situations remain in the same holding pattern: haven't heard from Ku in what feels like two months, Seasons is still in a holding pattern, the job stays around the same.... OH! right, new bicycle, right nice piece of wheels from England, looks good, rides good, has gears I didnt notice til I rode about 2 1/2 miles on the lowest setting.. that sucked intensely. It was hard, but it felt terrific to bike under lesser duress. MUST BE MY TRAINING!!

There's never any loss of misery, happnienes, giddy bull-headedness, bottomless liquor blues, everything.. but I need them in a newer  locale to get 'em in. Maybe i need a vacation.. I dunno.

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Jun. 28th, 2009



////-----ENTRY 27-----/////

Suppose that's got special meaning here in Texas. Hell, being from the state gives you a passive +8 against heat damage and environment effects. All this week, we've topped off with 105 degree weather and I says it every day.. I gotta get the hell outta this crispy-burnt state!! In related misfortune news, the derailleur on my bike's off so pending travels are suspended now. Whats more, I've completely forgotten about those surcharges this whole month.. I'm afraid to check the site, even with this new card of mine that'll make paying a breeze. But still, even with my job and money coming in these days, I still know all of its going towards my debts. Bruce, the insurance, tickets.. I dont even know where that ticket for fare evasion got to. Sometimes, this heat, these days, this life, its like being in HELL! I certainly hope when the windy, chilly kiss of autumn arrives, it'll signal the start of my salvation.
[EDIT] Don't forget, the site still says Default #1, but there's no increase in the monthly amount. GET ON THIS QUICKLY! 

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Jun. 17th, 2009


Oh, take me back to the start.

////---ENTRY 26---////
There's so many flighty spirits of olden days flitting about my head these days, too many to count, nearly that many to remember.

For a guy who seems nearly at the mercy of memories, I love nothing more than finding more new things at a daily basis. I fear changes, yet I want new things. Is this the typical, hard-headed mentality of the average being these days or is this, in my own smug, self-assured way, the search for truth. Do I wander the beautiful, confusing and ultimately relevant cities of my Dreamz only to awaken in tears again and again and again and again and again to arrive at no conclusion, only an ever-escaping mystery? When I come up empty on life, do I seek to fill the spaces with fantastic thoughts and lovely ideals in the face of a Reality where these delights are brooked by none? WHY ASK SO MANY GOD-DAMNED QUESTIONS?!

*sighs*  I have no new desires these days, I feel I am trapped in a rather likable doldrums, yet its something I shouldn't ever want to be trapped in. I don't know, my daily nuttiness, depression and manic desire for change number similar no matter what the date. I am like a machine stuck in a broken cycle, not damaging just... unchanging, There is some treasure hidden deep in my soul that is raging to the surface, something I'd been hunting since the young days. Do I stretch my being as far as possible to make a single, desperate grasp at that one beautiful secret and risk it all?

 But is it all such a big deal? Am I seriously losing it over something as simple and replaceable as memories and companionship while there's work to do? I allowed myself to see all sides of the world so that I may discern a secret of my own from the ashes...

Someone help me, please.. help me. I'm so tired of doing this on my own. Arrggh, why do I need to drop that on others..
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Apr. 29th, 2009


Wichita Vortex Sutra

/////----ENTRY 25-----/////
So, my halcyon days of McKinney have finally been struck low. I have taken in so much troubles and cacophony that I can handle no more. The story goes thus: Erica had a chance for a good roommate, but I screwed the pooch (unintentionally as it was) by breaking my car. So did I have no car, no job and nowhere to really live. Actually, that's a invocation of hyperbole, I have home. Home with my family. And while she tells me that her Mom would not take her on, Erica has certainly have other options than the corner of the street. Now, the deepest sorrow I feel is for her, for that is a tortuous time to endure. To lose the things she fought for in the apartment, to deal with the bull-crap that comes with an ailing apartments need for money, such as the 30 days notice that I just heard about on this day. The suffering, the suffering.. I don't know what I want to want for her, but when her particular venom surged into my system so familiar a poison, to say any further communication between us is unwanted.. and I agreed. I have cut myself off from the Motherland for now, to discover the nature of my own senses, to understand further just what it is I am spending my time on these day. I try to make things so simple for myself, but even in my personal needs, I make it more complicated than others can process. I yearn for those days, the time before the disaster we all wrought in equal scale.. for those times of cats and movies and beer and happiness. I wonder if she will ever forgive me.. and yet, I also wonder if I even care, for while the left side says that the path of those around me is only their concern, I also realize that our paths cross and those avenues wandered are mine to consider as well.. there's just too much to worry about on both sides and I strive to learn why I'd even care. I want to know why!! But my own troubles are paramount and ten-fold as well. The debts, the habits, the unemployedless-ness.. I miss the peace of mind brought on by a steady gig and late arrivals home. Yes Ian, those days spent with you were the best of my life.. the computer, the 360, the times and you. You and Erica both assisted in the construction of my 2nd Golden Age and I swear eternal friendship. There's gonna be hardship for a time, I feel it too. Biking my immense body around spans of nearly 8 miles a day.. I am paying for my assumption.

But, for all my metaphysical clap-trap, I still acknowledge the logistics. The apartment would never have worked. I had no money, our notices were short-falling to say the least and I am still persuing the jobs I began getting hired for last week here in town. I wish I had the courage to tell the poor girl these facts to her, but she will simply have to endure the same feelings I did when someone you cared for hurt your feelings such as she did. This is not me at my least mature, but rather me at the most metaphysical I can muster by my meager means.

I wonder what will come of this coming Christmas..
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